Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Foodies or Fixies? The Philebrity Award Dilemma (with Statler and Waldorf)

We are 24 hours away from the end of voting for the 2011 Philebrity Awards. Five worthy nonprofits are nominated, but it's been a two-horse race for most of the voting period. The Food Trust (polite applause) has held solid at 40% of the votes, while we, the Bicycle Coalition of Greater Philadelphia (thunderous applause!) has maintained roughly 30% of the voting.

Why is 70% of the vote going to these two organizations? Because Philebrity is giving its hipster readership an impossible choice: foodies vs. fixies.

To help sort this out, we spoke to two people who know nothing about hipsters but do enjoy sharing opinions: Statler and Waldorf. Here is a transcript of the conversation:

BCGP: So we think we should win the Philebrity Award for Non-Profit of the Year.
Statler: What's a Philebrity?
Waldorf: Sounds like a celebrity with a lisp!
[hearty chuckling]
BCGP: We've done great work this year! We fought City Council to keep bike lanes going in. We've helped get green bike lanes built--
Statler: Why green bike lanes?
Waldorf: What about all the other colors of bicycles?  Where do they get to ride?
BCGP: Everybody gets to ride in green bike lanes. But that's not all we've done. We got the bicycle corral installed next to the Chipole on Walnut Street.
Statler: There you go again! A street only for walnuts!
Waldorf: I saw a talking walnut the other day.
Statler: What did he sound like?
Waldorf: He was nutty!
[hearty chuckling]
BCGP: That was terrible.
Statler: You know who's terrible? You guys!
BCGP: What! Why are we terrible?
Waldorf: You came in second to PAWS in the Philebrity awards in 2009.
Statler: You came in second to The Notebook in the Open Data Race this summer.
Waldorf: You're coming in second right now to The Food Trust.
Statler: You're like the Phil Mickelson of Philly non-profits!
BCGP: That's a weird joke.
Waldorf: Who is Phil Mickelson?
Statler: He looks like this!
BCGP: Whoa - how did you embed a link with your voice?
Statler: Because we're Muppets!
BCGP: Fine, but seriously. Second place isn't terrible.
Statler: Do you know what they call second place?
Waldorf: First among the losers!
[hearty chuckling]
BCGP: We thought that talking to you might help us win some votes with Philebrity's younger, hipster demographic.
Waldorf: We're extremely popular among the hipsters!
BCGP: Is that so?
Statler: That's right! I've had three hips replaced myself!
[hearty chuckling]
BCGP: Will you two at least vote for us?
Waldorf: I have a better idea. Let's take a vote right now. All in favor of ending this blog post?
Waldorf/Statler: Aye!
Waldorf: That's a majority! Second place again!


Kate L. said...

I actually just mouthed this to myself & did the voices in my head. Thank you for bringing out the crazy in me (and for giving me bike lanes). So over food, you have my vote.
—Kate L.

Gabi said...

noooo keep it going! more Muppet transcripts!

Jim said...

No joke these cats showed up to the misfits cover band night on halloween! so good